Thursday, January 1, 2009

Bittersweet Endings

What just happened? It seems like just yesterday we started the school year, with a BANG! Rushing home from school to do homework so we can go outside to play...running, jumping, riding four wheelers. But shortly after school began in August, my little bright, gifted, funny, happy child...awoke one morning in pain. It seemed minor at first, the puffiness would come and go...it seemed to almost disappear the moment we stepped into our doctor's office only to reappear the next morning or two days later. Unfortunately, conventional treatments didn't seem to work and much of this last month, he spent in pain and in and out of the hospital. It's frustrating not knowing. Not knowing for months why and what is happening. CT scans looked good, blood work looked good. But the mysterious pain was never good. So we bid you farewell PAIN. As 2008 comes to a bitter sweet end for us all, even taking the tree down was hard. Gage and I both were a little emotional because we felt like "what just happened?" Where did Christmas go? We got out of the hospital with just enough to spend it at home, only to return a few days later.
The hardest part of all of this, was in fact Christmas. Gage was to the point where he just could not wear his processor any longer, the pain was not worth it, and I'm glad he finally seceded. While visiting family at Christmas, someone says "where did Gage go?" and I look to find him alone...playing with his trucks on his aunt's staircase by himself. Gage is usually the center of attention and to see him secluded, left out...hurt. (This was extended family that we rarely see.)
As we were leaving our house to have his cochlear implant removed, I asked him "Gage, is there anything you want to hear? You can put your processor on for the last time and hear anything you want before we leave." He shut his eyes and gently shook his head no. The mere thought of self inflicting such pain was obvious and showed on his face. So we left, leaving the processor behind.
I think I smiled the whole way to the hospital this time. I knew the pain would end, even if it meant he may never hear again. With his complicated anatomy, we have felt lucky to have received the one had. We remain hopeful but still very honest with Gage, we hope he can get another one...he loves to hear. Hearing has always been a luxury for him though and I want him to be a happy kid, regardless of luxuries we do or don't have. So we welcome 2009 with open arms, in fact we say "Bring it on!!" When life gives you lemons....

....or when they shave one side of your head, shave the other side and enjoy that mohawk you've always wanted!! I just asked him if he misses hearing, and he says "nah, not really. I miss hearing people's voices but that's fine, REALLY it's okay" he stated in his very nonchalant, matter of fact voice. Don't be sad for him, he's now more spoiled than ever, and we look forward to the summer of 09 when he should be able to ride his four wheeler again (after surgery #2 and #3). I have already seen him jump up and down which is something that was too painful to do for the past month (ADHD is back in full swing!). And besides, he not sad at all, he's very happy and feels so much better now, and is pain free for the first time in months. And this is also the child that could be found on the OR table announcing to all the people that stood before him with their mouths covered w/their blue surgical masks, "I'm deaf! I'm deaf everybody." So that everyone understood he wasn't there to answer any questions if they had any, he was there to take a nap only...He instructed the anesthesia doctor also that he was counting to ten-that's it!! and they better pull that oxygen mask off. Those masks freak him out, but it was that or a shot, he chose the mask.
We have a big big year ahead of us, and we look forward to learning to hear again, which will be my family's fourth and fifth time if he gets both CIs. We are happy to have put this chapter behind us.

10 comments:

Naomi said...

It's all in the perspective for him right now isn't it? Being painfree is so joyous to him right now, so that is enough. He sure is an awesome kid like his mamma! Here's hoping 2009 is a little beauty and things start turning Gage's way with the coming of the New Year.

Jodi Cutler Del Dottore said...

Bitter...Sweet...he is such an amazing child. Of course he gets that from you. Keep on truckin' *smile* Happy New Year.

Melanie said...

Gage is amazing. I hope this year holds wonderful things for him.

misskri said...

Gage is an amazing young man~ I wonder where he gets his strength and positive attitude? You are one strong Mommy!!!
The end of the 2008 has been a rough one for Gage. Here's to 2009 bringing health, happiness and bilateral hearing!!!
Happy New Year!!

Laura's medical journey said...

bless him he will be loving the attention despite not hearing! :) I know exacly what he feels losing the implant from my point of view i guess its extremely lucky that i or gage had the chance to hear and have the possibily of another one! I hope he can have another one and be come centre of attention again :)

hope u all have a good new year!

Nicole said...

Wishing you all a happy, healthy, and pain-free 2009 with bilateral hearing!

Lucas'Mommy said...

I really admire your strength and optimism. Gage is such an amazing boy. I look forward to reading about all of his adventures in 2009!

leahlefler said...

Thank goodness he is back to bouncing and running and is free of pain and infection. He's an incredible kid, and you're an incredible mama.

Prince Andrew and the Queen Mum said...

Bitter..sweet..indeed. you guys are both amazing

Christian's Mommy said...

You and your kids never cease to amaze me. I know 2009 will be full of blessings for you all.
xoxoxo