Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Maw Maw's Miracle
One of the first things my Maw Maw said to me when we found out Gage was deaf was, "I'm praying for a miracle". As a young mother at age 26 who had only family to rely on for the "he's so cute" and the "he's a doll" remarks, it really ticked me off I have to admit. All the doctors, specialists, geneticists, were perplexed by my little man and always trying to give me the "what's wrong with him" remarks.
I had spent many days and even several nights throughout his infancy in the local Children's Hospital. Every new doctor meant new vocabulary for me to learn, more people showing me little imperfections in my new child. During an overnight stay I had went downstairs to the cafeteria as a family was leaving the chapel. The mother screaming "Not my baby!!!! Not my baby!!!" As my heart pounded and my stride quickened, all I could think about was "not my baby". As we bounced from specialist to specialist, I would give a quick whisper to God "I can take almost anything, but please don't let anything be life threatening". As we entered the cardiologist who was looking for some type of defect, some type of abnormality, I could hear myself say "not my baby". Visit after visit everything was checking out fine much to our relief.
He was still in fact deaf and always going to be, no doubt about that. But I refused to ask God for a miracle, seemed so petty after seeing the desperate mother who must have arrived moments too late. No matter how many times I assured Maw Maw we didn't need a miracle she still said "well, I'm still praying for one". I guess I can't abort someone else's prayers so I just accepted the fact she was going to keep asking God for her miracle, she just wanted her great grandson to be able to hear.
After three and a half years of trying to communicate with her child just somehow, someway,...a sobbing mother broke down. I needed some type of guidance as to where I was to lead this sweet child of mine. I needed God to just tell me what to do, afterall wasn't I his child to guide? Gage was scheduled to have cochlear implant surgery the next morning and I was scared to death. I said my prayers that night over a barrel of salty tears and the minute I asked for his guidance, my tears stopped. Once I start crying it usually takes me forever to stop, but not this time. I washed my face, I had a good night's sleep, and took him for surgery the next morning.
No one was ever sure of how successful this surgery would be due to his severe ear malformations. But I awoke with the most peace I'd had in three and half years. I had someone much bigger on my side. I went into the hospital knowing that he was going to be safe. Even if he wasn't implanted, I knew he would be absolutely fine, safe, and happy.
Not only did Maw Maw receive her miracle that I never asked for, but she's really enjoyed both of my children who she would have never been able to communicate with on her own if they couldn't hear. At ninety years old (almost) it takes her ten minutes to answer the door much less try to sign something to them. But not only that, they get to enjoy her as well. Both of my kids mock her frail and shakey voice sounding almost exactly like her.
So sometimes you get more than you ask for. I asked for healthy happy children...and I got just that. Maw Maw asked for more, and we got that too. She recently told me as I fight back the tears typing, "Brook is a beautiful girl...she'll grow up to be a beautiful young woman. I'll never get see that, I've been here a long time." But at least she got to see her miracle. Deciding to implant our children is never an easy one. This wasn't the only hard decision we'll have to make as our children age, but shaming a mother for making one of THE hardest decisions is not only inappropriate, it's plain judgemental.